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Mom
In April of 1996, my mother was at the end stages of her lung cancer. My mother had lived with the disease for 5 years and it had eventually spread to her right breast. Her breast had been removed the week before she entered the hospice so that she would be more comfortable and with less pain. We were told that there was nothing else they could do for my mother other than to recommend placing her in a hospice of her choosing where she will be pain free and comfortable and in a home setting. We found a wonderful hospice in West Palm Beach and they accepted her right away. She was admitted within two days.
The day she entered, my 2 sisters, 2 brothers in law, and I went up to see her to make sure that she had everything she needed. We stayed there most of the evening laughing and talking about how we’d bring her grandchildren up to stay the night every weekend. The room was beautiful with a patio that opened up to a garden. While talking to her, I noticed that the sutures were still present from her mastectomy. I wanted to cry for her when I saw the wound, but I kept strong and upbeat. I always tried not to cry in front of her. Somehow while growing up you seem to think your mother or parents are immortal. I lost my father at age seven and in my mind, losing my mother was never going to happen. Mothers live forever and she was only sixty-six. I kept hope that it was not her time. Not yet. I remember it was almost midnight before we left that evening. I remember giving her and hug and kiss good-bye. As I left the room, I said, “I’ll see you tomorrow and I’ll bring the twins!” She smiled and waved good-bye to me.
My husband had traveled to Colorado for business and had been gone for a couple of days since her mastectomy. He was due back within the week, but after placing her in the hospice, I had this sinking feeling that he needed to get back quickly. I was right. I received a call from my sister, Diane at 5 o’clock am the next morning. She told me that the hospice called and informed her that she had become unresponsive during the night and they were unable to wake her. They told us to come to the hospice as soon as possible. I called my husband and he was going to get the first flight home, but it was going to be difficult because it was snowing heavily. I left my children sleeping and with my husband’s parents while I drove up to West Palm Beach. It seemed like the drive was in slow motion. My mind was racing all the way up to the hospice. I thought that this couldn’t be it! My husband isn’t home and I felt terribly alone, even though I had the company of my sisters, brothers in law and pastor, I still felt incredibly alone. I needed my husband with me. We sat with my mother and kept talking to her. The nurses encouraged us to do so because they said she was able to hear us. She’s just unable to respond. So we talked all the time while holding her hand. We had a box of photographs with us and were going through each and every one. We talked about the times we had and laughed at distant memories of when we were kids and still living all together.
The early morning turned into afternoon and afternoon turned into evening All the while we were there; they informed us of the various stages and process of dying and how the body slowly shuts itself down. They informed us with tenderness and respect for everyone.
My sisters and I started to tell her that it was all right to go and that we’d be okay. She needed to go and to be with our father and her parents. That they would be waiting for her.
I was called over to the loveseat to look at a photograph. I walked over to the loveseat and sat down on the side closest to her bed. We commented and laughed about the photo and something told me to look over towards her. As I turned to look, I saw her take a deep breath and let go. I knew then that it was her last breath and that she had gone. I didn’t scream, but took an audible, high pitched breath of air, and exclaimed, “She’s gone!” I went over to her bedside and grabbed her hand once again and just held on while one of my brothers in law got a nurse. The nurse arrived and confirmed that she had passed. She went peacefully and without pain and in the company of her daughters and family. I went over, sat next to the bed, and held on to her hand. My husband had not been able to get a flight back. The weather was too bad and the planes were grounded until weather improved in Denver. I was still alone and without my husband for comfort and I did not want to let go of her hand. I remember as everyone started to leave, I still sat there holding her hand. My sister, Diane came over to me to escort me out, but it was so hard to let go. As I got up from the chair, her hand was still in mine as I slowly walked away. It was Saturday at 12:30am on April 6th, 1996. Easter Sunday was the following day. We hugged each other in the parking lot and eventually got into our cars to drive home and to inform the rest of the family of her passing. The drive home from West Palm Beach to Pompano Beach was a blur to me. I think I drove home on autopilot. I had tears all about my neck. I pulled into the driveway, gathered up my composure, and walked into the house. I was greeted by my mother in law and told her the news. She hugged me and we agreed to not wake the children and to wait until morning before telling them that grandma had passed.I went to my room. I got into my nightclothes and grabbed the bible my mother had given to me while I was a teenager and still used. I sat on the bed with the light on, but dimmed. While I sat there clutching my bible, I smelled a sweet smell. I paid no attention at first, but all of a sudden in front of me, floating from her waist up was my mother! She looked so beautiful and happy. She held her arms out to me and with her hands, held on to my face. She came in close to me and brought my face up to hers. Her face was very close to mine as she said, “I’ll always love you!” With that being said, she slowly let go of me and faded away into the dark corner of the room and was gone. It was 1:45am. I saw the time on the alarm clock after she had gone. She was not able to respond to me while on her deathbed, but was able to say what I needed to hear loud and clear within an hour and fifteen minutes after her death. I was not asleep when she visited me. It was in no way a dream. I was fully awake and sitting on my bed. I tried to rationalize what had just happened, but I could not come up with any explanation accept that it did happen and was a true after death visitation. It was the single most comforting event in my entire life and it still comforts me to this day. I will never forget it. I kept this event secret and only to myself for over a year. One day I was talking to my sister, Bette and told her about it. She started to weep and told me that she also had a visitation that morning after mom’s passing. She told me that mom was holding her hands whereas she was holding me by my cheeks. It was a little different, but the message was the same. That she would always love us. My sister, Diane did not have a visitation. She rationalized it from the fact that she was at ease with our mother’s passing. Diane had what she believed to be a near-death experience a few years back and was completely comfortable with my mom’s passing from this life to the next. My two sisters and I have had paranormal experiences all throughout our lives and shared many of them with our mother while living in New Jersey. As we grew up I believe we had put them behind us. The after death visitation from my mother only convinced me that what we had experienced as children, living in New Jersey was real.Many years have passed since my mother’s death. And I’m still searching. I am now a paranormal investigator and I’m a member of a newly formed investigative group called, “Free Spirits Paranormal Investigations and Spirit Release.”I’ve come to realize now that I’m able to feel a spirit’s presence. I can feel their energy through vibrations. It feels much like if you were to put your finger in a light socket. I’ll feel the vibrations in various intensities and they will ebb and flow within me like a wave. In some cases, I will feel their emotions. Vibrations will come quickly as I walk into a room or slowly after I’ve been there for a while. I suppose some spirits are shyer than others. After all, they were people too. My search for truth is just beginning and with your help, Joseph and with the help of others, I’ll discover the truth and all it’s possibilities.
God Bless,
Donna Clevenger
Pompano Beach, Florida |
